


counting down at the green light

by aroacejeanprouvaire



Series: nothing more to take in [3]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 08:35:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9313790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroacejeanprouvaire/pseuds/aroacejeanprouvaire
Summary: Lukas wakes up to the sound of his bedroom door opening, and then Philip is there by the bed, looking down at him, almost smiling. For a second he’s confused because waking up with Philip beside him feels like the hospital, but he’s in his room, he’s back, he’s 5 minutes from Philip’s place not 40. Lukas reaches up as Philip bends down and then they’re kissing, and Philip is on top of him, over him, and they’re a mess of awkward limbs and elbows and their noses bump together and then their teeth and they have to pull apart to laugh. Philip slides off Lukas, into the space next to him, nestled into his side, and Lukas angles his body towards Philip, and they cling together, not saying anything, not needing to say anything.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [foreignconstellations](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreignconstellations/gifts).



Lukas could tell while he was in the hospital that his dad was already getting frustrated by having to pay so much attention to him. To start with he visited every day, sometimes even twice a day, and then he started missing a day here and there, and in the last week he missed more days than he came.

In all honestly, Lukas was relieved to see less of him. As much as it had hurt when he woke up the first time and his dad hadn’t shown up, having Bo sit by the bed trying to fill in the silence ranged from awkward to downright unpleasant. Plus any time Bo was there was time Philip wasn’t, and all Lukas wanted was Philip.

When Bo was there what they talked about most was motocross. Being out of training for so long was going to put Lukas behind: definitely took him out of the circuit for a while, and no sponsors were going to touch him until he proved he could come back as good as before. All of that clearly bothered Bo.

It bothered Lukas too, but not as much as he expected. His dreams were bigger now, or maybe smaller, but more varied. Not all that long ago all he wanted was a sponsor to give him his shot, to make it big, be the best, but he thought about other things now. He thought about whether or not Philip fitted into that picture. He thought about what Philip might dream for the future, and how he could fit into Philip’s dreams. He thought quiet, tender, precious things about the future, things too fragile to voice to anyone yet, even to Philip. He still loved motocross, still wanted to make a career of it if he could, but it wasn’t his whole world anymore; that is, it wasn’t the only good thing in his world anymore.

But he pretended to be as concerned as Bo, of course, because that’s the only safe way Lukas knew to interact with his dad - by parroting back his thoughts and feelings. They planned training schedules together, increasing over time, easing him back into it. Lukas didn’t mind; keen to be back on the bike, and also recognising it as an opportunity to be out of the house as much as possible, and something to take Philip along to (not that he told his dad that part).

They didn’t talk about Philip: about Philip kissing Lukas while he was unconscious; about Lukas and Philip in the cabin; about Philip sitting by his bed, holding his hand, or lying in his bed with him; about the nurse who popped his head in and said “your boyfriend’s dad came and took him away while you were asleep but I think he’ll be back later.” Bo and Lukas dedicated a lot of time in the hospital to conspicuously not talking about any of those things.

 

* * *

 

Now Lukas is being discharged and they’re still not talking about it. They’re not talking about how Bo will be uncomfortable with having Philip in his house, or how Lukas wishes Philip could drive so that he could be the one to take him back to Tivoli instead of him having to sit in the car with his dad for 40 minutes, as though the two of them haven’t had enough of sitting awkwardly beside each other.

In the car Bo is pretty much silent, and Lukas is glad. They’ve well and truly run out of things to say, other than rehashing the training plans, and Lukas is finding it exhausting just taking in the landscape they drive past after so long looking out the one window and seeing the one room (well, and seeing the hallway, when they made him do his laps up and down with his chest aching and his legs feeling wobbly from lying down too long. Every time they’d made him do it he’d wondered how he’d even managed to run away from the hospital with Philip. His doctor had been incredulous too - “well I suppose a combination of adrenaline and pain medication, and youth, but even then I’m not really sure how you were on your feet, let alone moving around.”).

Once they’re home Lukas goes to his room. The plan had been to go straight for his bike, to tell his dad he just wants to have a go to make sure he can still ride it (which is true, he’s scared he’s going to struggle), but to then go to Philip’s place and well… probably make out with him in the woods, because they’ve had a lot of time to talk, but not a lot of time being, well, unobserved, so they’ve got some catching up to do. But just the drive has tired him out, so he texts Philip instead.

_To Phillip:  
I’m home_

As soon as he lies down he feels himself drifting - too used to being in hospital and having it be weirdly acceptable for him to sleep at any time, day or night - and he’s out without seeing Philip’s reply.

 

He wakes up to the sound of his bedroom door opening, and then Philip is there by the bed, looking down at him, almost smiling. For a second he’s confused because waking up with Philip beside him feels like the hospital, but he’s in his room, he’s back, he’s 5 minutes from Philip’s place not 40. Lukas reaches up as Philip bends down and then they’re kissing, and Philip is on top of him, over him, and they’re a mess of awkward limbs and elbows and their noses bump together and then their teeth and they have to pull apart to laugh. Philip slides off Lukas, into the space next to him, nestled into his side, and Lukas angles his body towards Philip, and they cling together, not saying anything, not needing to say anything.

But then Lukas’s brain catches up and he asks, “How did you even get in here?” They used to be pretty lax about locking the doors, but that sort of changed when Lukas’s life had been in danger.

“I knocked. Your dad let me in.”

“Oh.” Lukas knows his dad is uncomfortable around Philip, but he doesn’t care too much about that, he just doesn’t want Philip to have to deal with it, or to have to really interact with his dad at all.

“Sorry, I wasn’t sure if it was okay for me to come, I hope your dad won’t mind too much. I asked you but you didn’t reply to my text and I wanted to see you-“

“It’s okay.” Lukas pulls Philip in tighter. “I’m glad you came. I don’t know how things are going to be with my dad. Not with you being here today, just in general, but that’s his problem not yours.” He wants to say ‘not ours’, but he can’t quite do it, because it feels like it is going to be his problem - his dad is going to make it his problem.

Philip is silent. Lukas can almost tangibly feel Philip deciding that he messed up by coming over and blaming himself for it, and he doesn’t know how to stop him, or what to say that he hasn’t just said, so he changes the subject instead.

“I’m going out on the bike tomorrow. Nothing too hard, just gotta get used to riding again. I wanted to go today but I’m so tired for some reason.”

“Yeah, too tired to answer my texts.”

“I was asleep! I fell asleep as soon as I sent that text.”

Philip smiles, fond. “I know, I know. It’s okay.”

Lukas kisses him. Because he can. Because they’re finally, properly alone, and no one’s going to walk in with a food trolley, or say visiting hours are over, or peer in through a little window in the door. Not that any of that completely stopped them, but this is better.

When they pull apart and settle back down with Philip’s head on Lukas’s chest, Lukas whispers, “I missed you so much.”

“Lukas, you saw me almost every day.”

Lukas flushes a little. “Yeah, I know that, but it’s different.”

“I know.” Philip pulls himself up, leans over Lukas; they’ve gotten in the habit of being this way around, since Lukas spent so long having to stay lying down. “I missed you too. I’m glad you’re back.”

And then they’re kissing again, and Lukas is glad he’s back too, more glad than he knows how to express except by reaching up and holding Philip’s face in his hands, stroking his neck, meeting Philip’s tongue with his own, letting the press of lips against lips be gentle and unhurried. He’s so in love. He’s more in love than he knew was possible.

 

Philip leaves before dinner, because they both know that once it gets to dinner time Gabe or Helen will start texting and calling and wanting to know where he’s eating and when he’ll be home. Philip doesn’t want to deal with that, and Lukas doesn’t invite him to stay for dinner because he’s not exactly keen to sit at a table between his dad and Philip, or to put Philip through that. Not that he and his dad usually sit down and have dinner together, but he suspects that Bo is going to attempt it, at least for his first night back.

He’s right. His dad goes to Red Hook and comes back with curries from Bubby’s Take Out. They sit awkwardly across from each other, mostly silent, and fall back on motocross again when they do talk. Lukas eats his share as fast as he can and disappears back to his room, using his tiredness as an excuse.

 

Lukas wants Philip. They’re geographically so much closer now but he knows trying to have Philip stay the night or even stay late is going to make things uncomfortable and potentially scary with his dad, and anyway he really is tired: once again feels his body trying to go to sleep as soon as he gets to his bed. So he brushes his teeth, strips down to his underwear, and gets under the covers. It’s only 8pm but he’s gotten in the habit of sleeping early because once visiting hours were over there was nothing to do but watch TV.

He looks at his phone and thinks about texting Philip, but he doesn’t know what to say. So he calls instead, because Philip will know what to say.

Philip picks up almost straight away. “Hey, miss me already?”

Lukas smiles. “Yeah, I did actually. You miss me?”

He can hear the amusement in Philip’s voice. “Yeah, I guess. You want me to come back over?”

Lukas doesn’t respond, not sure what to say.

Philip follows up with, “It’s fine if you don’t, or can’t, I mean… with your dad…”

Lukas nods and then remembers Philip can’t see him. “Yeah, my dad. He hasn’t said anything but it’s weird with him and I think if we hang out other places most of the time that’s probably going to be better.”

“Yeah, of course. That’s fine.”

“Also I’m falling asleep already. I’m so pathetic.”

“You’re not pathetic, you’re still recovering.”

“It’s only eight.”

“Okay so you’re a little bit pathetic, but that’s okay.”

Lukas laughs, and turns onto his side. He puts the phone on speaker and lets it rest on the pillow. “I’m so tired.”

“You should go to sleep.”

“You want to come with me tomorrow?”

“Need a cameraman to capture your heroic return?”

“Need a boyfriend.” Lukas can hear himself mumbling, and feel his face heating up as he realises what he’s said, because they haven’t really used that word yet. Some of the hospital staff had applied it to them, but they haven’t used it themselves.

Philip takes a second to reply. “You’re slurring your words, what was that?”

He hesitates, then repeats. “Boyfriend.”

“You need one?”

“I’ve _got_ one.”

Philip laughs and that makes Lukas laugh too. He knows tiredness is making him silly, but at the same time what he’s saying feels important. He thinks it’s important to Philip.

After a pause Philip says, “So this is you breaking it to me gently, huh? You’ve already got a boyfriend and you’re not leaving him for me?”

That sets Lukas off laughing again. “Oh my god, Philip, you’re my boyfriend.”

“Is that right?”

“Yep.”

“Don’t I get a say?”

“Nope, I already decided.”

“Oh, okay then I guess I’ll just have to accept it. Just have to trust my boyfriend to be right about these things.”

Lukas is grinning and he can’t stop. He rolls onto his front and presses his face into his pillow, then moves just enough that his voice won’t be too muffled. “Hey, boyfriend?”

“Yes, boyfriend?”

“I love you.” And that one they have said before, which Lukas thinks is maybe backwards - that maybe you’re supposed to call each other boyfriends before you say you love each other - but it doesn’t matter now. They’ve said it before, so it’s safe, but it feels just as important every single time.

“I love you too, Lukas. Go to sleep.”

 

* * *

 

Lukas wakes up in a place that is strangely silent after the hospital. He opens his eyes to his own bedroom and his first thought is, _he’s coming to get me, I’m dead_. His second thought is, _no, he’s dead, it’s all over_ , but for some reason that doesn’t suppress the sense of dread rising in his chest.

He finds his phone, which has slipped off the pillow and under the covers somehow during the night, and texts Philip, just to get a response ( _proof of life_ , he thinks), just to make sure.

_To Phillip:  
hey, you awake?_

The response is almost immediate.

_From Phillip:  
yep, how are you feeling?_

Lukas is relieved, but his chest still feels tight and he can’t shake the sense that something bad is about to happen. He texts back:

_To Phillip:  
okay. pick you up in an hour?_

_From Phillip:  
sure :)_

Only then does he think to check the time. It’s 7:45. A little early but 8:45 is an okay time to pick up Philip. To pick up his boyfriend. Lukas tries to focus on that thought instead of the steadily increasing panic inside him as he goes to shower.

 

He expects his dad to be out on the farm, which is how Bo usually spends his Saturdays, but he’s sitting at the table when Lukas goes downstairs.

“Hey, Lukas. How are you?”

Lukas shrugs. His dad makes him feel even more anxious than he already did. “I’m fine.”

“Good. Okay.” Bo gestures towards the kitchen. “I was going to make you breakfast but I wasn’t sure what you would want.”

Lukas can’t help but think, a little resentfully, that his dad should know that most of the time he’ll happily eat pretty much anything. But he doesn’t feel like eating anything at all today, so at least he doesn’t have to deal with offending his dad by turning down something he’s made. “You don’t have to do that, dad, it’s fine.”

“Yeah, but I thought it might be nice, for your first day back home. I still can. What do you feel like?”

Not wanting to eat is weird for Lukas, but he feels sick in his stomach. He goes to the cupboard and looks around for something to get him out of this situation. “Actually I just want cereal, thanks though.”

He pulls out a box, pours himself a bowl and finds the milk in the fridge. He forces down a couple of spoonfuls before his dad wanders out of the room, giving him a chance to put the rest down the garbage disposal.

He heads out to find his bike (his old bike, he doesn’t want to think about getting on the new one again yet), but he runs into his dad there too.

“Heading out?”

“Yeah, like we talked about, going to try and get straight back into it.”

“Alright, yeah, that’s good.” And then for some reason Bo pulls out his wallet. “Hey, Lukas, here’s the allowance you missed out on while you were away.”

He hands Lukas some cash. A lot of cash, actually. Lukas flicks through it and realises he’s holding about $500 in fifties, which is more than he would have gotten in that time if it was just his allowance. His dad has always fallen back on money and expensive gifts when things are strained between them, like he did with the new bike.

“Oh, uh, thanks, dad. Thank you.” Lukas pockets the cash. He finds his protective gear and starts pulling it on.

Bo watches him and says, “You going on your own?”

Lukas hesitates for a second, but says, “Yeah.”

Bo nods. “Okay, well, just take it easy to start with, okay?”

“Yeah, dad, I will.” Lukas gets his helmet on and swings his leg over the bike. He starts it and can’t help but grin as it revs. He hits the accelerator and he’s off.

He still feels like someone is coming after him, but he’s riding again, that’s what’s important. He’s riding, he can do it, and riding has always meant freedom. He may not feel safe yet, but as his dad shrinks away behind him at least he’s free.

 

Philip comes out of the house at the sound of the motorbike, which Lukas is grateful for because it means there’s no chance he’ll have to talk to Helen. He can’t help but associate her with the interrogation in the cabin, where he’d barely been able to understand what she was saying over the sound of the gunshots repeating in his head, the images of bodies falling to the floor replaying over and over. Plus, he feels like she probably blames him for messing up her investigation, and for what happened to Tommy and Tracy, what almost happened to Philip; he blames himself, so why shouldn’t she blame him? He’d been relieved to see almost nothing of her at the hospital (after she’d gotten some initial statements out of him, that is), with Gabe driving Philip there and back most days.

Helen follows Philip out of the house now but she stays up on the porch and doesn’t try to talk to Lukas. When Philip gets down to the bike, Lukas has gotten off it and taken his helmet off and they pull each other in for a hug, holding on tightly, each making sure the other is real.

They stay that way for a minute, then they pull back and Lukas hands Philip a helmet and picks his own helmet back up. “Ready to go?”

Philip nods but doesn’t say anything. He looks sad today, or at least subdued. Lukas wonders if yesterday was a temporary reprieve for Philip - if he let himself be happy that Lukas was home, just for a few hours, and has fallen back into his grief now. He doesn’t mind, he wants to be there for Philip, however he’s feeling, he just doesn’t always know what to do or what to say, and with his heart still beating too fast and his stomach feeling like it’s caving in on itself he doesn’t think he’s going to be much good at comforting Philip. But he’ll do his best.

They get on the bike and Lukas feels a bit better, because being on the bike at all is good but being on the bike with Philip’s arms around his waist and Philip’s chest against his back is ideal.

He doesn’t really have a destination in mind. Muscle memory starts to take over but he realises he’s heading towards the jumps near the cabin, so he changes course, then realises he’s going to the water and changes again, just driving down side streets until they’re out of town. He stops when they get to some empty space, no houses in sight.

Philip hops off the bike and takes his helmet off. “Is this where we’re stopping?”

Lukas takes his helmet off too and shakes his head. “I don’t know. I didn’t know where to go.”

“Well you probably don’t want to be doing jumps or anything yet, right? So you could just ride around out here for a while?”

He shakes his head again. “I don’t…” He hesitates. He doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, but at the same time he does, and they spent so long in the hospital just talking that it feels weird to be anything but open with Philip now. “I don’t feel good.”

“Okay.” Philip reaches out, takes his hand, waits for Lukas to elaborate.

Lukas gets off the bike and pulls Philip in close to him again, because Philip is the only thing that makes sense. “Sorry, I know you probably don’t feel good either.”

Philip hugs back, holds him tightly. “It’s okay. Me feeling bad doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to. Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t _know_ what’s wrong. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It feels like…” He trails off again, because putting it into words makes it harder to ignore, but he wants to tell Philip what’s going on. If nothing else, Philip always has ideas for what could help. “It feels like nothing’s happened since I was last in Tivoli, which was before… you know… and that was when he was coming for me… so…”

He can’t finish the sentence but Philip strokes his arms in that comforting way of his and says, “So it feels like he’s still coming?”

Lukas nods. “It’s so dumb, right?”

Philip shakes his head. “I don’t think it’s dumb. It’s okay. I…” And then it’s Philip’s turn to hesitate.

Lukas pulls back so he can look at him properly. “What is it?”

“I felt that way too, sort of. At the hospital. Every time I arrived I felt like it was back before you woke up, like I was going to walk in and find you unconscious again.”

“Every time?”

Philip nods, and Lukas hugs him again, tightly, because he doesn’t know what else to do.

Philip says, “Is it just being in Tivoli, do you think? Is that what’s making you feel this way?”

Lukas shrugs. “I guess? I didn’t feel like this until now, so that makes sense.”

“We could go somewhere else, see if that helps?”

“Like where?”

“Like anywhere, just away from here. We could go to the city.”

Lukas looks at the bike. He isn’t supposed to do that much riding, not right away. He doesn’t feel confident enough for it. “I think that’s a bit far for me to ride right now.”

Philip does one of his almost smiles, like he wants to laugh, and to call Lukas an idiot, but he can’t allow himself those emotions right now. “There are other ways to get there, you know.”

 

* * *

 

Lukas has never taken a bus to the city before except on school trips. He’s mostly been with his dad, who always drives. In recent years he’s been with friends, but he was always on his bike with Rose on the back, or crammed into one of the older kids’ cars. And then he’d been with Philip, but that was on his bike too.

This time they leave the bike near the bus stop and buy their tickets. Lukas tries to pay for both tickets but Philip won’t let him and neither of them are in the mood for any kind of argument, even a playful one, so he doesn’t press it. He feels guilty with so much money in his pocket, doesn’t know how to talk about money with Philip.

They sit near the back of the bus, side by side, only their thighs touching. Lukas wants to put an arm around Philip, or hold his hand, but he can’t get himself to do it. It was different in the hospital, but back in Tivoli everyone knows everyone, and he doesn’t know how to be okay with someone seeing, even though he feels like the whole town must already know.

They pass through Red Hook, talking a little now and then, checking in on each other, but mostly staying quiet. It’s not uncomfortable silence though, just a gentle kind of quiet as they have their first try at being boyfriends in public together. Lukas thinks, _we don’t need to be touching each other, we don’t need people to know. We know, and that’s what matters_. He hopes Philip feels the same.

Once they get past Poughkeepsie there’s no familiar faces left on the bus - there’s hardly anyone on it at all - and Lukas reaches over and takes Philip’s hand in his. He keeps a hold of it all the way to New York.

 

New York is Philip’s territory, so Lukas lets him lead the way. He suspects that as much as there’s some places Philip would like to go, there’s probably some he really wants to avoid at the moment too. Actually, after not too long Philip looks to be having the same issue Lukas had in Tivoli: every time he starts out in any direction he seems to change his mind.

Lukas just follows quietly for a while, but after about half an hour of wandering where Philip won’t say where they’re going, he stops walking and gently grabs of Philip’s arm.

“Philip? You okay?”

Philip looks a combination of embarrassed and upset. “I don’t know where to go.” He admits.

“That’s okay. We don’t have to go anywhere in particular, you know?”

“I know, it’s just…” He trails off and looks away.

Lukas speaks softly. “Everything reminds you of her, right?”

Philip nods, clenching his jaw, and Lukas pulls him in and holds him against his chest.

“It’s okay, Philip, it’s okay.”

Philip’s arms come up and his hands grip tightly to Lukas’s shirt, but he doesn’t say anything.

Lukas pulls him over to the edge of the sidewalk, out of the way of the people walking past. He holds Philip as tight as he can and rubs his back. After a minute he asks, “Do you want to go home?”

Philip lets out a sigh, almost a laugh, but his voice is shaky when he speaks. “This is home.”

They’re getting curious looks from passers-by and Lukas crushes the impulse to pull away. They’re safe here, he reminds himself. In the city nobody cares, and Philip needs him.

He says, “I know, sorry. But do you want to go back to Tivoli?”

Philip shakes his head. “You feel better here, right?”

“Yeah, but you feel worse.”

Philip shrugs. “I’ll be fine.”

“ _Philip_.”

“Okay well what do you suggest?”

“I don’t know. Let’s just go somewhere that doesn’t mean anything to either of us.”

“Yeah, like where?”

“I don’t know. I’m hungry. We could go somewhere for lunch that you’ve never been before?” He is hungry, he realises. He’s starving. The sick feeling has disappeared and been replaced by his body complaining about being forced to run all day on a few mouthfuls of cereal. He checks the time on his phone. It’s almost 2pm. He hadn’t realised how much slower the trip was by bus.

“Okay. You pick somewhere.” Philip still looks sad, but Lukas didn’t expect him to magically sparkle up, and at least they’re moving towards some kind of distraction now.

Lukas looks around and sees a diner across the street. “There! I bet they have curly fries.”

 

Once they’re sitting down, Lukas says, “My shout, okay?”

Philip shakes his head. “You don’t need to do that, Gabe and Helen give me money for this kind of thing.”

“Philip Shea, I am trying to take you on a date.” He says it over-dramatically, trying to get a reaction, making himself the joke.

Philip colours, and looks like he’s fighting a smile. “Okay. You still don’t have to though. Maybe we’re the kind of…” He pauses. Was he going to say ‘couple’? Lukas isn’t sure but thinks maybe he was. “Maybe we do split bills.”

“Not today we don’t. My dad is trying to buy my love again. He does that sometimes. He gave me like $500 today so I’m paying. Or he is. Whichever you’d prefer.”

“Yeah I’m pretty sure I’d prefer to be taken on a date by you than by your dad.”

Lukas laughs, caught off guard by that. “Good! Do you know what you want?”

Philip shakes his head and stares at the menu, looking uncomfortable. Lukas remembers the day in the hospital where Philip wouldn’t eat and wonders if that’s a _thing_ for him.

”Do you like the stuff they have?”

Philip nods. “Yeah, this is fine, I’m just not really hungry.”

“I’m starving. Want to get things to share? You can just eat what you want and I’ll finish the rest.”

He thinks Philip looks relieved. “Yeah, okay, let’s do that.” Philip turns a page on the menu. “Oh hey would you look at that, they do have curly fries.”

 

Lunch goes okay. It’s nice, sitting across from each other, eating real food, not gross hospital meals. Lukas makes himself eat slowly, because Philip is only picking at things and he doesn’t want to eat it all before Philip gets a chance. They don’t talk much, just commenting on the food mostly, but Philip looks a little less miserable, and Lukas feels okay now that he’s away from Tivoli.

He doesn’t want to go back. As he pays for the meal and they head outside that’s all he can think; he doesn’t want to go back, but they need to be somewhere where Philip isn’t constantly reminded of his mom.

To get back to Tivoli for dinner they would need to get a bus soon. He can tell Philip is thinking that too, but Philip is waiting for him, letting Lukas take the lead now.

“Hey, Philip?”

“Yeah?”

“What if we don’t go back?”

“What, ever?”

“No, just tonight.”

“Where are we going instead?”

Lukas blinks. He’s always surprised when Philip does that - just goes with whatever Lukas is suggesting. “A hotel?”

Philip raises an eyebrow at him and Lukas can feel himself blushing.

“I just don’t want to go back tonight! And we’d need to stay somewhere.”

Philip shakes his head fondly. “I know, I know.” He thinks for a second and then says, “Okay. But this you definitely have to pay for because Gabe and Helen don’t give me that kind of money.”

Lukas nods. “That I can do.”

 

* * *

 

They walk into the first place they see that doesn’t look too fancy, and Philip ends up doing the talking because Lukas completely blanks. The concierge raises an eyebrow and asks if a parent is going to be joining them and Philip says, “No, you see, we’re from Pittsburgh, and we came to represent our school in a maths tournament, and my dad drove us the whole way here but he got called away unexpectedly and now we don’t have a lift back, so he told us to find somewhere to stay for the night until he can come get us.”

“Is that right?”

Philip nods earnestly.

“Well, I hope he didn’t get called away by anything bad. Let’s get you checked in.”

 

Once they’re in the room there’s a moment where they’re both trying to work out if they made a mistake, if it’s too similar to the motel, and asking themselves if there's _nowhere_ they can go without being reminded of what happened.

But then Lukas turns on the TV, flicks through a couple of channels, and he grins at Philip, being dramatic again, being the joke, and says, “Hey, it’s fine, this TV actually works, and it has cable!”

Philip appears to lose his fight to hold back a smile, and throws a pillow at Lukas.

And then they’re both laughing, and Lukas tackles Philip onto one of the single beds (they’d both been too nervous to ask for a double), and he’s got Philip pinned under him and then they’re kissing and he’s not even sure who started it.

It’s just a brief moment and then Philip pulls away, looking apologetic. Lukas strokes Philip’s face, because he always wants to touch Philip’s face, and then he moves himself up to sit against the headboard and pulls Philip up after him. They get settled down with Philip sitting between Lukas’s legs, leaning back against his chest.

“Here.” Lukas reaches out for the remote and then hands it to Philip. “You pick. Let’s just do nothing for a while.”

Philip flips through channels, too fast for Lukas to take in what’s playing on each one. “Sounds good.”

After a while they shift around and Philip moves so he’s lying flat on the bed with his head on Lukas’s thigh. Lukas doesn’t notice exactly when Philip falls asleep - only realises when Philip is totally out, his body limp and his head feeling heavy on Lukas’s leg.

He’s the sweetest thing Lukas has ever seen.

It does make him wonder, though - _how much has Philip been sleeping if he can fall asleep that easily in the middle of the afternoon? How many decent nights of sleep has he had since it all happened?_

He’ll ask later. And he’ll help in any way he can. For now he turns the TV volume down low and strokes Philip’s hair.

 

Lukas thinks he might have drifted off for a bit too. He isn’t certain, and never had a good sense of time anyway, but it’s past 6pm and he’s getting hungry again. He carefully extricates himself from Philip, slipping a pillow under Philip’s head as he pulls his leg away.

He writes a note on the hotel notepad and leaves it next to Philip on the bed. He’s embarrassed about his handwriting, which Philip hasn’t seen before, and the number of spelling mistakes he’s probably made since it’s a medium with no spell-check or autocorrect, but he tells himself Philip isn’t going to care or judge him, and slips out of the room before he can overthink it too much.

It takes a bit of thinking, but Lukas finally remembers that of all the things Gabe brought him in the hospital, Philip had seemed the keenest on the stuff from Golden Wok in Red Hook. Lukas pulls out his phone and searches for a nearby Chinese restaurant on Google Maps. He tries to orient himself, starts walking, then checks the map and realises he’s gone the exact opposite direction of where he needs to go. After that he manages okay, though, and finds the place without any more trouble. He isn’t sure exactly what Philip likes so he just orders the same things his dad usually gets from Golden Wok.

He gets kind of stressed on his way back to the hotel. He’s not entirely sure he’s going the right way, and there’s way more people out than there was earlier. The city always scares him a little in that way. When there’s only 1000 people in a town there’s rarely a high concentration of them in one place, but in the city there’s so many people around all the time and it makes his head spin.

It turns out he is going the right way, luckily, and he feels a flood of relief once he gets inside and there’s no more people walking past him and towards him and around him.

 

When Lukas gets back up to the room Philip is still lying on the bed, but awake, and talking to someone on the phone.

Philip looks up, nods at Lukas, and then says into the phone, “yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”

Lukas puts the bag of take-out down on the little desk and gets onto the bed, lying down with his head on Philip’s chest. Philip seems calm; probably just Gabe on the phone, checking up on him.

“Oh, okay. Yeah. I will.” Philip’s free hand comes up and strokes Lukas’s arm.

It’s nice, lying like that. Lukas is glad they didn’t go back to Tivoli.

“Okay. Yes. I’ll let you know. I will. Bye.” Philip puts the phone down. “That was Gabe.”

Lukas nods, as much as he can with his head still on Philip. “I got you Chinese.”

Philip’s hand stops stroking for a second, then squeezes his arm. Lukas hopes that means he’s pleased.

“Thanks.” Philip's voice is soft and Lukas is pretty confident that does mean he's pleased.

Lukas is hungry, but now that he’s lying down he doesn’t want to get up. Philip hops up instead, shoving Lukas off him.

Philip brings the food to the bed, pulling out the first container and examining its contents. He says, "So, apparently your dad called Gabe."

Lukas sits up, feeling suddenly sick again. "What, why?"

"To find out where you were."

"But he-" Lukas checks his phone, just to be sure. "He hasn't called me."

"Oh." Philip seems to recognise some significance in this that Lukas can't figure put.

"What? What is it?"

"Just... I guess he wasn't trying to work out where you were so much as trying to check that you weren't with me."

"Oh. Right." His dad doesn't care where he is, or that he's safe, not really, he just doesn't want him to be with Philip. Lukas would have preferred it if his dad had called him and done nothing but yell. He opens the bag of prawn chips and shoves one in his mouth. He refuses to get upset about this. Not now.

Philip is watching him carefully. "I promised Gabe I'd tell you to tell your dad where you are."

Lukas shakes his head and takes another chip.

Philip goes on. "I know, bad idea. But I think you should tell him something, just to make sure you don't get in trouble. I should have let Gabe know when we decided to stay the night. Pretty sure Helen's mad at me now."

"So what do I say?"

Philip shrugs. "Something he'll believe that doesn't involve me. I guess he wouldn't believe you were at Rose's place now, would he?"

In the end Lukas texts, too nervous to call.

 _To dad:  
_ _I ran into some friends. We're getting dinner and I might stay the night._

Bo doesn't even reply, but that's normal for him with texts.

 

The time passes easily after that. Comfortably. They share the Chinese, and make fun of TV shows, and they stay near each other; each time one of them moves away to grab a container of food, or the remote, or to go to the bathroom, they settle straight back in again: thighs touching, or legs crossed over each other, or leaning on each other, or lacing their fingers together. Staying close.

And when they want to sleep it's the same: drifting away to pull off their jeans, drifting back, into one single bed, and wrapping themselves around each other.

The world will be the same tomorrow, still full of problems and fears. But for now they're okay, and they don't have to be afraid of anything. For now, everything is fine, because no one can pry them apart.

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Sorry for having a dig but listen, there's no way Lukas being up and walking in episode 10 makes sense, so I had to have the doctors acknowledging him as the medical marvel he apparently is. I also have no idea how he's supposed to be fully recovered in under a month, so I avoided specific times and you can fit this into the timeline of the show if you want or imagine that he was in hospital for a more realistic time if you'd rather.
> 
> 2\. Lukas canonically has Philip's name spelled wrong in his phone. I'm dyslexic and projecting so he's dyslexic now too and no one can convince me otherwise, although he's maybe not aware of it himself and just thinks his spelling sucks and that he's weirdly bad at reading maps.
> 
> 3\. Bubby's Take Out is a real restaurant in Red Hook, so is Golden Wok. For some reason I did more vigorous research for this than I did for my thesis.


End file.
